MarylandAG
12-09-2005, 08:30 AM
Just substitue MdAg for southerner and this is how I feel sometimes, reminded me of this because we had some snow last night and the streets are a mess. I would have edited out the cuss words, but I hope you will forgive me this one time, it would take away from the effect of the diary. :p
A Southerner Moves North
Dear Diary:
Dec 8: 5:00 pm. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!!!
Dec 9: we awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk-Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.
Dec 10: It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow driver came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is brownish gray.
Dec 11: Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway/ $145.00 for a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Dec 12: Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white **** last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.
Dec 13: Two degrees outside. More ****in’ snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and damn near burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to emergency room and was totaled.
Dec 14: Goddamn mother-****in’ white **** keeps on coming. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the ****in’ mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Dec 15: Six goddamn more ****in’ inches of ****in’ snow and ****in’ sleet and ****in’ ice and who knows what other kind of white **** fell last night. I wounded the snowplow ******* with a ****in’ ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going snow-blind. Can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Win chill factor minus 22 ****in’ degrees. Screw this ****, I’m moving back to Texas.
A Southerner Moves North
Dear Diary:
Dec 8: 5:00 pm. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we’ve seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!!!
Dec 9: we awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk-Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.
Dec 10: It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow driver came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is brownish gray.
Dec 11: Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway/ $145.00 for a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Dec 12: Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white **** last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.
Dec 13: Two degrees outside. More ****in’ snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and damn near burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on the way to emergency room and was totaled.
Dec 14: Goddamn mother-****in’ white **** keeps on coming. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the ****in’ mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I’ll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 MPH and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Dec 15: Six goddamn more ****in’ inches of ****in’ snow and ****in’ sleet and ****in’ ice and who knows what other kind of white **** fell last night. I wounded the snowplow ******* with a ****in’ ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won’t start. I think I’m going snow-blind. Can’t move my toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Win chill factor minus 22 ****in’ degrees. Screw this ****, I’m moving back to Texas.