legelegel
06-10-2007, 01:17 AM
Things Not To Put In Your Resume ... For Seniors and Professional Graduate Students
Reasons for leaving the last job:
Responsibility makes me nervous.
They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.Job responsibilities:
While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.Special requests & job objectives:
Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.Physical disabilities:
Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.Personal interests:
Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.Plus watch for small typos that can change the meaning:
Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
I'm a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.Recognize a crap job
Blindly accepting a new job can be tempting, and often it’s only after squeezing into a cramped cube (they promised an office) that you realize how deeply you’ve screwed yourself by taking it. If you spot any of these signs during an interview, grab your briefcase and run.
Bloody Cubes
There were mass layoffs weeks before your interview, and a whole new regime is now in place. Your prospective employers present this as an opportunity to “get in on the ground floor.” Don’t be a fool—firings mean financial instability. Do your research and avoid such shipwrecks before boarding.
Bogus Boss
The Big Man complains about previous employees: too immature, not ready for responsibility, could not think on their own. He wants people with initiative, he says. But a little research reveals that he cycles through subordinates like paper towels. You’re being offered up as a sacrificial lamb. Don’t approach the altar.
Project Reject
The company wants to bring you on board to take over a stalled initiative. You’d have to be the fixer, the one to straighten things out, and your potential boss is treating you more like an ally. The truth is that there is a vicious power struggle going on, and you are getting in the middle of it. Don’t take the bait.
Tour de Farce
As the HR woman nervously shows you around the office, the tension is palpable: dead silence, people hunched over their computers, cubicles devoid of any and all personality. Your potential employees present this as a serious, workmanlike atmosphere, but in fact it is more like the Soviet Politburo.
Big Break
Your interviewer keeps repeating statements like, “You will learn the whole trade, through and through.” You need to translate this into reality: You will work impossible hours and do menial tasks. Alphabetizing files at 11 p.m. is more of the trade than you need to know.Five Signs
You need to get a new job
Dilbert is funny.
The office slut won’t have drunken sex with you anymore.
Paper clips are deducted from your paycheck.
You have to share a keyboard.
They won’t air-condition the sweatshop. Oh, that’s why they call it a sweatshop.
Reasons for leaving the last job:
Responsibility makes me nervous.
They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.Job responsibilities:
While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.Special requests & job objectives:
Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.Physical disabilities:
Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.Personal interests:
Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.Plus watch for small typos that can change the meaning:
Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
I'm a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.Recognize a crap job
Blindly accepting a new job can be tempting, and often it’s only after squeezing into a cramped cube (they promised an office) that you realize how deeply you’ve screwed yourself by taking it. If you spot any of these signs during an interview, grab your briefcase and run.
Bloody Cubes
There were mass layoffs weeks before your interview, and a whole new regime is now in place. Your prospective employers present this as an opportunity to “get in on the ground floor.” Don’t be a fool—firings mean financial instability. Do your research and avoid such shipwrecks before boarding.
Bogus Boss
The Big Man complains about previous employees: too immature, not ready for responsibility, could not think on their own. He wants people with initiative, he says. But a little research reveals that he cycles through subordinates like paper towels. You’re being offered up as a sacrificial lamb. Don’t approach the altar.
Project Reject
The company wants to bring you on board to take over a stalled initiative. You’d have to be the fixer, the one to straighten things out, and your potential boss is treating you more like an ally. The truth is that there is a vicious power struggle going on, and you are getting in the middle of it. Don’t take the bait.
Tour de Farce
As the HR woman nervously shows you around the office, the tension is palpable: dead silence, people hunched over their computers, cubicles devoid of any and all personality. Your potential employees present this as a serious, workmanlike atmosphere, but in fact it is more like the Soviet Politburo.
Big Break
Your interviewer keeps repeating statements like, “You will learn the whole trade, through and through.” You need to translate this into reality: You will work impossible hours and do menial tasks. Alphabetizing files at 11 p.m. is more of the trade than you need to know.Five Signs
You need to get a new job
Dilbert is funny.
The office slut won’t have drunken sex with you anymore.
Paper clips are deducted from your paycheck.
You have to share a keyboard.
They won’t air-condition the sweatshop. Oh, that’s why they call it a sweatshop.